My Perfect Panic Button

I wish I had a personal panic button. It would be perfect for those situations where an abrupt cessation of activity or exit point is required.  Of course, it would need to be sophisticated and have teeny, tiny speakers that put out some ‘boom’.

 Allow me to illustrate:

Situation 1

 I’m trying to reason with a difficult client. She has brought her aunt along with her for ‘support’. They have both been hit with the stupid-stick a time (or ten) too many. There is no way for me to make them understand any time this century. I’m about to snap.

 Click.  (That’s me pressing my panic button).

 A low, beeping alarm sounds through the room.

 Computer-Generated Voice:  Auto shutdown engaged. Back away from the Jenny. I repeat, back away from the Jenny. Initiating destruct sequence: 10…9…8…

 At this point, I give my client my best, wide-eyed, concerned look and say “Oh dear. You’d better go. This has never happened before. It can’t be safe. Run!”

 Ideally, my stupid client and her stupid aunt would scurry on out of there. Yay!

Situation 2

 I escaped Situation 1 (above) so smoothly I decide to celebrate with a few drinks. That was 5 hours and umpteen pina colada’s ago.

Yes, I like pina coladas…

 Anyhow, I have not yet ‘broken the seal’ and I have to pee so bad that I’m dancing – and not sexy-like at all. So I dance/stumble my way in the general direction of the bathrooms when Mr. Hottie stops me to chat.

He’s very cute, that Mr. Hottie. He’s funny, too! Okay, I admit it. I can’t really understand what he’s saying over the music and people milling about everywhere but his elaborate, hand gestures and facial expressions are funny.

 But oh my GAWD, I have to pee! If I laugh one more time I’ll probably have an accident in my pants — right here, in front of Mr. Hottie.

 And then I realize that I am standing at the very end of a bathroom line-up from hell.

 Click-click. (That’s me pressing my panic button twice).

 Loud Booming Voice: Free pina coladas at the main bar! Yes, FREE pina coladas at the bar!

 Now at this point, most of the women should be rushing over to the bar, allowing me quick and easy access to the ladies’ room. Just in case, my most excellent panic button is prepared for the rare breed of woman that would turn up her nose at a free pina colada.

 Loud Booming Voice: Free pina coladas AND beer at the main bar! Yes, free pina coladas AND BEER!

 Jenny’s clear to go! Double yay!

 Situation 3

 So you’re probably impressed with how slick I was in Situation 2 but let me tell you something, Readers: that was nothing!  Do you recall the afore-mentioned Mr. Hottie? Uh huh (*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*).

I am SO awesome!

 And because I am so awesome he invites me to catch a move with him the very next night. So I agreeto meet Mr. Hottie at the theatre.

Except when I get there I discover that Mr. Hottie is…well…not so hot. In my head, I start to add up all the many pina coladas I had consumed the night before.

 That’s okay! I’m sure he’s a fabulous guy with a great sense of humour, right? Um, no. Not so much. Ican’t get more than one syllable at a time from this guy!

 It’s starting to feel really awkward in this theatre. They don’t serve pina coladas to soothe the panic.

 Click-click-click-clickety-click-click. (That’s me pressing the panic button three times).

 Loud, Distorted, Nasal Voice: Would the owner of a blue Toyota Prius, license plate number ‘828 JEN’ please move your vehicle? You are parked in a tow-away zone.

 I feign surprise and sheepishly mutter that it was my car and I’ll be right back. Then I run for the exit without a backward glance.

 Of course I’m just kidding. I would never be in those situations. :) But wouldn’t it be super to have a panic button, just in case?